A (Modified) English Breakfast

I have been craving greens—and not your spinach salad kind of greens.  No, I had a hankering for the serious, meaty, earthy kind of greens: kale, collards, chard, mustard greens, dandelion greens, green greens.  The ones that make macho-men cry and cower. Each week at the market, I would do this little “should-I-should-I-not” dance in front of leafy veg.  I would pick up a bundle of collards, end then put it back.  My hand would hover over the dinosaur kale, and then I would pull my hand away.  Needless to say, each week I bailed.  The little logical monster in the back of my head screaming “How are you going to cook them, Kaite?  You can’t very well eat them raw!” 

While raw collards could be fun to experiment with,(Hey! If you chopped them fine enough it would be collard slaw instead of cabbage!) the little monster did have a point.

Sooooo it wasn’t until I was flipping through The Kind Diet last night that the little monster got a challenger.  I had earmarked awhile back Alicia’s Silverstone’s recipe for her “Traditional English Breakfast” which consists of: toast, baked beans, roasted tomatoes and mushrooms, veg cheese and GREENS. I have never actually had the real-deal English breakfast with the sausage and such, but Alicia’s veggie version is stinkin’ yummy.   And, oh goodness, there were the greens again.

This time I was determined to figure out how to cook greens in my dinky-crock-pot.  If I had to leave the leafy greens in the crock-pot for two days to make them tender, then that’s what I would do. 

Invigorated with new determination, I headed down to the grocery and bought the fattest bundle of collards I could find and a few necessary other ingredients.  On an impulse buy, I picked up a black-herbal tea. (Sometimes you need a break from green tea—no pun intended—and green tea isn’t very. . . British, if you ask me.)

Here is my gift to you: How to make greens in a “handicapped” crockpot and the dorm-room version of an English breakfast. (WARNING: This does contain garlic, so be forewarned that you may “gas-out” your neighbors if attempting this recipe in a dorm).

Ingredients:

Medium vine tomato

½ clove garlic, minced (optional)

1 tsp shoyu

Dash sea salt

Coconut/olive oil, for oiling mug

***

½ fat bunch collard greens, roughly chopped into small strips

1 clove garlic, minced

1 tsp shoyu

1tsp rice vinegar

Coconut/olive oil, for oiling crockpot

***

½ 14oz. can vegetarian baked beans,

            I am partial to the Field Day brand as they aren’t as sweet J

1 thick slice of bread, preferably toasted

1 tsp nutritional yeast

1 piping hot cup of tea!

Directions:

Set your crockpot on HIGH and get it firing on all pistons! 

While the pot is warming up, liberally oil the inside of a coffee-mug with coconut/olive oil.  Place the tomato inside the mug and score through the tomato, dividing it into quarters.  Shove the minced garlic inside the tomato, if using, and top it all off with the shoyu and salt.  Place the mug inside the crockpot to start the baking.  It will take about 20min to 30min, but don’t turn that crock-pot dial down less you risk turning your tomato baking session into an hour waiting game.

In a largish bowl mix the vinegar, shoyu and garlic to make a marinade.  Toss in the collard shreds and mix until coated.  Leave the bowl in a cool-ish spot—pretty much NOT right next to the crockpot—to prevent the greens from growing bacteria whilst they marinate.

As soon as the tomato looks all wilted and the skin has begun to curl up around the intersection cuts, pull out the tomato and liberally oil the inside of the crock-pot.  To oil a hot surface/pot, use the same method that you would (or should) use to oil a wok.  Dip a paper-towel into the oil and then rub it all over the pot several times to create a nice, slick layer on the surface.  KEEP the crockpot on high. Dump the marinated collards into the crock-pot; you should hear them sizzle a bit when they hit the bottom.  Add a little bit of water to get the collards steaming and cover.

Set the tomato aside.  If you are planning on eating this the next morning, stick the tomato in its mug inside the fridge.  (Do the same with the collards when they are done, unless you plan eating everything “fresh”).

Return to the collards every 15 minutes to toss about and add more water as needed.  Mine took about 40minutes to get to the perfect, super wilted state, but each green is different.  Chard will probably take 20min while dinosaur kale could take over and hour.  If your greens are being stubborn—or you just like yours at an incinerated consistency—add an extra few tsps of vinegar to help break leaves down.

When the collards are done, plop the tomato in with the greens and turn the pot down to LOW while you finish constructing the rest of the breakfast.

Begin heating water for your tea and if you have a toaster, toast a slice of bread.  If no toaster—as I am working with—just pick a kind of bread that tastes good on its own set it on a plate.  (Since the only kind of whole-grain bread the UMT grocery sells is Ezekiel bread, that is what I used.  And because I know someone is probably wonder---as all my friends ask when the see the loaf---the "4 : 9" bit is NOT a ratio.   It is a line out of the Bible.  My homework to everyone is to go look it up!  It is quite witty marketing :]). 

Microwave the baked beans for about 30-60 seconds, just until warm and dump on top of the toast/bread.  Top off the beans with some nutritional yeast to create a “cheezy” effect.  Start brewing your tea and transfer the collards + tomato combo out of the crock-pot onto your plate.  Take a breather for the hours of labor, and dig in my friends.

My impulse buy tea was Mocha Double Vanilla.  It sounds decadent, but is simply barley tea blended with carob, chicory, cinnamon and vanilla beans.  Yum. 

Cheers, kaite ;]

(POST SCRIPT:  MUM! I need more dried-plums!)